Maybe the Start?

 I’m just gonna start this blog and just go. I don’t really think I need to explain who I am or anything of that sort. Anyone reading this will know me and know my history to a point.

Work has been hellish. School is finally out so I have the entire campus to myself to start my marathon of work. I have a few assistants at my beck and call to help me out, which is nice. I also have to work on a proposal for the end of this month, so that should be fun. Not sure really what to talk about on here, I’m sure I will get the hang of it as time goes on. Personal life has been pretty much the same, meaning there is nothing really going on. All I really do right now is school and work. I’m triple majoring, so I have a full class load and a full Internship.

But I am thinking about moving forward with something with someone. Up until very recently I just didn’t feel like I was in the right place for a relationship. But I’m feeling a little more grounded now that my first year of school is over. The last year has been pretty emotionally draining. All of my focus was on making sure Demetri was safe and healthy. I don’t think I fully understood how much those 2 years with Chris kinda fucked me up. I second guess everything any man says to me, I panic at the first sign of a fight or argument. I either do one of two things, I blow up at them to counter act the panic, or a just shut down and stop feeling anything at all.

The last few months, I’ve been working on finding the silver lining in any messed up situation. So far it’s working. I’ve reconnected with someone I dated 4 years ago.  He knew me when I was a little more care free and wild. I don’t really think I’m even that person anymore; but I’d like to see if I can find some part of her again. He’s a good guy, and I think I need that. He loved me before I went through all of this, and he somehow stayed by my side and just waited for me. I just don’t understand that, how someone could love me that way. He told me once that if he had to be just my friend to stay in my life, he would do that. 

But now I’m faced with the issue of, am I ready? I miss that bubbly feeling of being happy with someone. All I do is work and study, I find myself sitting at my computer with no work to do and no one to call and talk to.  I took a break from all of my friends for a while, so I could fix myself. But now I’m finding it hard to get back into a social life.

I make list of everything in my life, lots of pro/con lists. Here is one I wrote up today.

Reasons I like you around:

·         Your smile makes me smile when I don’t want to.

·         You have a smell I don’t understand, but I love it.

·         With one look you can get me to stop working.

·         My parents love you.

·         My son loves you.

·         You think my irrational fear of everything dangerous is cute.

·         You care more about family than your career.

·         You would gladly beat the crap out of my ex, even though I don’t want you to.

·         You like me without makeup or my hair done.

·         You’re willing to wait as long as it takes.

 Reasons you drive me Crazy

·         You love me more than I think it is possible.

·         You make it very hard to be mad at you. EVER.

·         Your answer to a fight is to tell me you love me.

·         You work very odd hours.

·         Your emotions are hard to read.

·         You’re really bad at returning phone calls/Text messages.

·         Football… that’s all I’m saying.

·         You think I should know how to gut a fish.

My mood is very much based on what I am listening to that day. My top songs today are:

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

OneRepublic- All The Right Moves

Maroon 5-Misery