Crazy Week

This week has been crazy so far. I got a new assistant and she quit 3 days later. So that was kind of odd. But all seemed to have worked out, I managed to steal someone I know from another department. He’s a fellow enforcer. He’s kind of saving my ass, he’s taking the little things that are piling up off my desk for me. I have to take pictures of all the rooms on the campus and I simply wasn’t doing it because I didn’t have time and had much more important things to do.  So he’s taking those off my shoulders for me. I really enjoy the fact that I can give him a task and I know it will get done.

                Aside from work, personal life has been kind of odd. I finally took the leap that I knew needed to be taken. I went out with the guy I mentioned before. Like I said we dated years ago when things were much more different.  My only concern is I’m not sure I’m in the right place. Once fall quarter starts up, I will have quite a bit on my plate. School, Internship, and Demetri. Adding a boyfriend to that, who isn’t very good at that whole calling back and planning things side of the relationship. I worry we will just drift and I will end up hurting him again.

                Home has been kind of crazy. I’ve been stressed out to all hell. Which leads to mom and I fighting of course. I swear her and I only get along when I don’t live here. I’m not sure if she simply doesn’t understand how much work I’m doing on a daily basis, with no outlet to speak of. Or if she just doesn’t care. But this is how things have always been between us, it’s kind of sad that I’m just used to it. She has no real desire to actually understand what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. Feelings were not a topic in my house growing up. This always worries me with Demetri, I’m worried he will grow up not understanding how to express his feelings.  

                In our house crying was not something that went well, I was yelled at for it. Some of my earliest memories is crying and being told I was acting like a spoiled brat, or that I was overreacting. This left me with this feeling of panic when I cry now, even in private. I’m always worried someone is going to come in and yell at me. But I try not to think on that subject to long, I plan to raise Demetri very different. Crying is not a bad thing, it allows you to vent some of your feelings.

                As always I like to end things on a happy note. So I want to talk about how great my 2 year old is. I bought him a new Handy Manny doll and he came up to me and said “Mommy, You are the best. I love you.”

One Of Those Days

Well today was one of those days.

                I woke up late and it kind of started the whole day off bad. So I felt like I was playing catch up all day long. Chris hasn’t paid his child support at all this month. When I contacted him he told me he started a new job. So I contacted DCS to see if this was true, they informed me that if this was the case it could be a month to two months before I see anymore child support. This kind of fucked me over seeing as I have bills that need to be paid and more importantly things Demetri needs. So I turned to my old DSHS case worker who helped me out so much. (btw.  DSHS worker don’t get the credit they should!) She told me to come down and reapply for TANF, which if you don’t know is the aid the state now gives you to, this could be cash help, food help, medical, childcare. I went off it when I started getting child support. I honestly don’t feel guilty at all for using state aid. They helped me when I needed it most. They helped me pay for school so I can support Demetri all on my own, without ever having to depend on a man again. Plus MY tax dollars went to those programs, they are there to use.

                What pisses me off is when you see the girls that give us a bad name. The girls that are doing just what it takes to get that monthly check.  I, on the other hand was doing whatever they asked me to do, as long as they would pay for school. As soon as I had another income I asked to be taken off the program. I still get food stamps, which helps a lot and right now I get medical.

                Okay that was a rant, sorry. Back to applying for TANF. After I filled out all the paper work. My case manager explained that I could use a new program and not having to use up my TANF (Medical, Food, or Cash) months, which you only get 1 year of school services and 60 months total services in your life time. There was a grant type program I could use that will help me pay my bills. Only downside is if ever have to use the Cash-TANF again, I have to pay back the entire grant. But my plan is to be making enough money after I graduate with an degree in Administrative Management, a Certificate in Administrative Assistant, and a Certificate in Project Planning and Management; so that I never have to go back on state aid.

                So that possible nightmare may have been dealt with. I should get a check in a few days that will give me enough to pay my bills for 3 months. As long as I continue to keep a high GPA in school and keep up my end of the deal.

                Speaking of GPA, I got my grades in for last quarter. I got two 4.0’s and a 3.7! So my total GPA is now 3.87 (Damn 10 key class!).  My goal is to graduate with a GPA above 3.5. I also sat down and planned out my classes until graduation. I should finish school in the Spring of 2012. Also if everything stays good on the Internship front, I will have a job when I graduate.

                But all that being said… I had to miss most of my day today at work dealing with all this. So I ended up at work until 5pm. Which I HATE! I like being at home when Demetri gets home. I’m not here when he gets up in the morning so I like to be the one to take him off the school van.  I did get home in time to sit down to dinner so that is a good part.

                I want to end this on a positive note. So here is a new list.

Times I’m Reminded I Still Have Friends:

When you hear I need a hotel room for PAX and jump up to help.

When I get a chat room full of *Hugs*

When you notice I don’t have make-up on, and ask if I’m okay.

When you take the computer out of my hands and tell me to take a shot.

When you run into my office and yell “Dance Party!”

When you offer to beat up who ever made me cry.

When you tell me to sit down, close my eyes, and just breath.

When you remind me of the view of Puget Sound I have from my office.

When you tell me to just smile and look at that baby picture on my desk.

Maybe the Start?

 I’m just gonna start this blog and just go. I don’t really think I need to explain who I am or anything of that sort. Anyone reading this will know me and know my history to a point.

Work has been hellish. School is finally out so I have the entire campus to myself to start my marathon of work. I have a few assistants at my beck and call to help me out, which is nice. I also have to work on a proposal for the end of this month, so that should be fun. Not sure really what to talk about on here, I’m sure I will get the hang of it as time goes on. Personal life has been pretty much the same, meaning there is nothing really going on. All I really do right now is school and work. I’m triple majoring, so I have a full class load and a full Internship.

But I am thinking about moving forward with something with someone. Up until very recently I just didn’t feel like I was in the right place for a relationship. But I’m feeling a little more grounded now that my first year of school is over. The last year has been pretty emotionally draining. All of my focus was on making sure Demetri was safe and healthy. I don’t think I fully understood how much those 2 years with Chris kinda fucked me up. I second guess everything any man says to me, I panic at the first sign of a fight or argument. I either do one of two things, I blow up at them to counter act the panic, or a just shut down and stop feeling anything at all.

The last few months, I’ve been working on finding the silver lining in any messed up situation. So far it’s working. I’ve reconnected with someone I dated 4 years ago.  He knew me when I was a little more care free and wild. I don’t really think I’m even that person anymore; but I’d like to see if I can find some part of her again. He’s a good guy, and I think I need that. He loved me before I went through all of this, and he somehow stayed by my side and just waited for me. I just don’t understand that, how someone could love me that way. He told me once that if he had to be just my friend to stay in my life, he would do that. 

But now I’m faced with the issue of, am I ready? I miss that bubbly feeling of being happy with someone. All I do is work and study, I find myself sitting at my computer with no work to do and no one to call and talk to.  I took a break from all of my friends for a while, so I could fix myself. But now I’m finding it hard to get back into a social life.

I make list of everything in my life, lots of pro/con lists. Here is one I wrote up today.

Reasons I like you around:

·         Your smile makes me smile when I don’t want to.

·         You have a smell I don’t understand, but I love it.

·         With one look you can get me to stop working.

·         My parents love you.

·         My son loves you.

·         You think my irrational fear of everything dangerous is cute.

·         You care more about family than your career.

·         You would gladly beat the crap out of my ex, even though I don’t want you to.

·         You like me without makeup or my hair done.

·         You’re willing to wait as long as it takes.

 Reasons you drive me Crazy

·         You love me more than I think it is possible.

·         You make it very hard to be mad at you. EVER.

·         Your answer to a fight is to tell me you love me.

·         You work very odd hours.

·         Your emotions are hard to read.

·         You’re really bad at returning phone calls/Text messages.

·         Football… that’s all I’m saying.

·         You think I should know how to gut a fish.

My mood is very much based on what I am listening to that day. My top songs today are:

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie ft. Rihanna

Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

OneRepublic- All The Right Moves

Maroon 5-Misery